When she married him, thought that he would one day become an enemy in her bedroom never crossed her mind. For Brenda Kumwenda her involvement with Ronnex Nkhonjera was wrapped in love and nothing else.
They got married and enjoyed their union. They were poor. So when Ronnex was selected to Domasi College of Education to train as a primary school teacher in 1988 Brenda thought happy times lay ahead. But did they?
“He never allowed me to use his money. Each time I asked for money to buy things for the house, he shouted at me. He said I was not there at the college when he ate beans that smelt paraffin,” said Brenda in an interview at Rukuru in Mzimba north.
“He failed even to attend to the needs of our children. What he was good at was spending his money on beer and coming home late and kick around plates containing his food each time he noted that the relish was not good or without salt. He found no problems with sitting on the floor.”
Such are some of the forms of gender based violence (GBV) that Brenda went through at the hands of the man she thought would be king of her heart but suddenly turned into a beast in her home.
A number of such cases have been documented. However, still many more have not yet been documented. This is because those sailing through situations mired in gender-related abuses like Brenda’s feel scared to open up and talk about them.
They often feel their marriages would break up when they talk about the abuses they go through. And culture plays a greater role in causing this silence. Women are always encouraged to persevere in marriage regardless of whatever they meet. And Brenda was told the same.
“I complained to relatives and parents-in-law. But each time I did so I was told to go back to my husband and endure whatever happened because marriage was endurance. I was told to live with whatever I experienced,” added the mother of four.
“I tried virtually everything but he could not just abandon his behaviour.”
Today, Brenda can stand tall in front of people and tell them what she went through. The problems that rocked her life are no longer there. But it is not that she has absorbed them up. People who saw her suffering helped solve these problems for her.
Agnes Vileme Msiska, Primary Education Adviser (PEA) for the Rukuru education zone in Mzimba north, is one of the people who helped change Brenda’s abusive husband. Sitting in that position means Msiska is empowered. And being an empowered person, she commands influence in the society and this influence enables her to convince people like Ronnex to abandon their violent conduct.
And in Ronnex’s situation, Msiska found herself with additional influence. Ronnex is her junior. He is a teacher at Kasuma primary school which falls under Msiska’s jurisdiction.
“We trained him and the other men who behaved the way he did but it was very clear at the beginning that he was not ready to change his behaviour just overnight,” said Msiska of Nkhonjera.
“However, he started coming up after frequent visits by the Village Action Groups and the Mother Groups. Now he is a completely changed man. And the situation is the same with the other men who behaved like him.”
The Village Action Groups and the Mother Groups which Msiska credited for changing the behaviour of people like Nkhonjera comprised people who were trained to convince those that perpetrated the acts of GBV to change.
They were trained under a project implemented in the area by the Creative Centre for Community Mobilisation (Creccom) with funding from the European Union (EU). The project was called Violence Against Women and Girls – an Enemy to Development (Vawogede).
Together with the Peer Outreach Workers (POWs), these groups have spread messages against gender based violence. And since inception of the project in January 2007, a lot has changed.
Men have realised their responsibility. Those parents who rushed their young girls into marriage have stopped. In fact, most of the girls that were rushed into marriages are back in school.
But most of all, the new dawn as regards GBV sits on top of everything. Listen to what he says and watch what he does. You will be convinced that the beast Ronnex has transformed into a husband again.
“Yes, I used to beat my wife and deny her access to my salary. But now the situation is different. She knows how much I get and she is the custodian of the salary,” said Nkhonjera in an interview as Brenda nodded in agreement.
“Some might think that my wife charmed me. But to me the strongest charm are the lessons that these people took me through. I have been a changed man ever since I attended their first class. I stopped drinking beer.”
He added that his family now worked together to provide for their household needs. They have good furniture in their house. Three of their four children are well supported in secondary school. They also have a grocery shop which supplements their household needs.
Some time ago, Ronnex saw the love from his wife fly away very quickly. And he was scared his wife was going.
But being what he is now, he feels gone are those possibilities. The situation is back to normal. The love he saw flying away has come back. And the two can walk together side by side and share experiences about their turbulent past with other people including those gathered at public rallies.
And Msiska feels there is no going back for Ronnex and the other men that were in a situation like his. The villagers have adopted the approach and they are running the show. They have even started village lending institutions to help the needy.
Whichever the case, one thing stands. Ronnex Nkhonjera is a husband that turned into a beast. But now he has become a husband again.
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